Friday, June 30, 2017

To the nines, for me

It is angering when you're battling illness, having a precious "feeling a bit better" patch and thus more #spoons, and during those times you try to have fun, to benevolently self medicate it/celebrate it to the nines, dress up, do make up, nails, feel good things, feel good about it and snap/share some pics .. But then, some ignorant, insecure cynical people try to rain on your parade. They act like you're being "arrogant" and even narcissistic, because you're trying to "soak in" your good/better day .. because you know you'll have a bad time soon, and lose it again. I try to dress nicer still, in bad patches too. That doesn't usually happen though.

Dressing nice makes me feel better because I love fashion so much. It's art to me. It's expression. It makes me freaking happy, contrary to insecure cynical idiotic beliefs, it's not to "rub it in your face" and parade around superficially. It is for my own personal enjoyment. Ugh. I just have no patience for ignorant and contemptuous people anymore more. If they only knew how disrespectful there were being, based on my true situation.

Why should I not have that right to dress to the nines when I'm on my better days especially, and it makes me happy? But I seem to be a real target for the ugly wafting "jelly" energies that can come about from that. I can't let it get to me - I need a better mental shield to block it out.

Frankly, my aversion to this (I am sensitive to energies and easily pick up on it) has played a role in producing reluctance re: my music art/modelling aspirations.. but I resent that too. I feel done with it. I need to "let it go" as Elsa did. Really. 

In retrospect, the same goes for being idealized in this "OMG Wowww so Great/Perfect!" kind of way. I don't know, that cab make me a bit nervous too. I feel like the bar gets raised too high in terms of expectations, and that if/when I'm in a bad patch, I won't be able to live up to it. Well I suppose I could just not show myself in a bad patch..

Being raised by a borderline PD parent, who would switch from love to hate, and being treated the way I have sometimes due to being attractive, and experiencing that sociological "love/hate" double-edged sword attitude in which society has towards attractive people.. all this has probably caused me to be more sensitive to this. I hate it. I wish society wasn't so damn shallow. If people could only me more objective than that .. and of course I can never call it out, even if my point is purely logistical, without being small-mindedly accused of "bragging." Ugh!

I guess experiencing polar extreme reactions from people, even when they're on the "up" side of that, can cause me feelings of ambivalence. This is why I like to be defiant and deep, in terms my style. It makes me feel like I have some control over this. Like, I can "dress up to the nines" as I crave to do, but it's gonna be in my way, not in a more "Barbie-ish" mainstream kind of way. It is slick sure.. but in my way. It expressed my personal creativity and meaning. This is at least comforting.

It's pleasing to hear compliments, I mean, it's normal for a lady to like that - especially if she's living in a difficult and painful situation, as I am. It is a nice diversion from my immense pain and suffering with this wretched illness.. but it can make me feel nervous too. Sometimes I may feel anxious and wonder "is that all I mean to people? How I look? How I look "hot".. I can sometimes experience this sort of existential-crisis-born kind of anxiety from this. This is all depending on how things are worded and delivered I guess - but it sometimes conjures an "oh my gawd - I have to keep living up to something BIG all the time.. can I .. and is that all that means anything?" Alright I'm getting tangental now.  

Really, the only way to let this go is to just do it for me .. because like it, because I'm having fun, and feeling personally sensual .. Finding my personal sensuality again, in the only ways I can, to rise above chronic pain. Forgetting about trying to be impressive to others, 'cause what matters is, do I like it? Am I having fun, and expressing myself, creatively. It's like "my body is a poem."

I need to block and moderate the "taking in" of both extreme compliments/idealizing and the opposite. I mean, I am grateful for compliments and happy when others are genuinely enjoying a picture of a creative outfit I've put together, and I express gratitude - but I reflect now that "taking this in" too much could be, in a different way, just as unhealthy as taking in the contemptuous "jelly energy." It is ironic what I'm saying I guess, when I'm saying "do it for me" ..it sounds more "selfish", but in fact, it makes it less. I hope I make sense .. 

Maybe celebrities, especially females, who end up having issues with drugs and alcohol get psychologically affected in the ways I just describe...

I got diverted and perseverating a bit there. Sorry .. 

The other piece to this, the one I originally mentioned, is that it's super angering when people, who are not battling illness and don't understand the painful, cruel nature of what living with a nasty chronic illness will do to the mind, disrespect one's coping methods. They do not respect, let alone appropriately recognize, the self-caring ways of coping some do - particularly women. Dressing up super pretty, and I mean going "all out"; dolling up to the nines, dressing sexy, even doing some Cosplaying.. it's one way of coping that some choose to use, particularly people who are artistic and creative. I am one of these people. Why do you think they have those "Look Good Feel Better" workshops for ladies battling cancer and such.

For me this happening on an even more personal level. I'm getting passive aggressive jelly hatred from somebody in my sort of personal circle so to speak (and it's been happening for years.) She has no freaking clue what it's like to be in my shoes, and is really (seemingly) too selfish and immature to grasp it. She has a fairly juvenile-envy born view of me; a projection of her own insecurity problems..and in this, she's taking it out on me, projecting her own crap, and she tends to make passive aggressive snide gestures in which suggest that I am full of myself, being arrogant, and princess-y. It's an immature and cynical lens to view me with, and frankly, it's downright rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful, and angering given my painful circumstances. 

It's just been about "oh there she goes again being arrogant and about herself" .. it is a total deflect of her insecurity. She keeps energetically deflecting it onto me, and this has actually gone on for year. It's to a point where every time I let back in a connection with her, it always becomes like this, she gets passive aggressive and snide, like this. I'm highly sensitive, so I pick up on it. I have to try to not let it piss me off too much, because I have (finally) a real sense of confidence. I know who I really am and what my true motives are. 

I didn't always have such a clear sense of self, I was badly affected by this exact thing, on the part of people like this person I'm talking about. I was highly affected by the "jelly bullying", which is often a type that goes for hurtfully attacking the character. I walked around with my head down, apologetic, ready to get abused to be better liked. I was a victim of gaslighting, and in this, I allowed my self esteem to be affected and to be hurt further. 

It makes me sad and angry that I was damaged for so many years this way, before I really chose to "rise above the bully." I wrote a song about it describing the consequences of what happens if you don't - the damage that happens when you turn your pain onto yourself - and affirming why it is necessary to do, to reclaim one's own sense of self respect. 

I now know who I am, and letting this person back into my life, on my facebook, is not going to affect me the way it did. I cannot let her get to me, and feel angry and defensive. I will not pick up on her projections and take them to heart, just like I will not with others who hold similar intent (albeit somewhat inadvertent and a projection of their own problems) and contempt. No way. 

I am extremely challenged with my health now, and very likely facing a shortened lifespan. I've allowed myself to be hurt enough, but now, I'm going to "let myself play" full stop. 

Recently, I wrote this really cathartic "Declaration" (to bullies/trolls psychic attackers.)

"Jelly bullying" is almost always about the bully's problem with themselves. In this, it is selfish of them to lash out on someone else, and attack their character, simply because they want something that person has in which they can't have - but alas it happens all the time. We are really powerless over others' and their ability to recognize their own issue for what it really is...and regardless of whether they'll refuse to recognize that, I know it when I see/feel it. Therefore I will not take on their sh*t. 

I have things to do. I have a bucket list to check off. So too bad for her, and others' like her. They're ignorant idiots. They can't hone much compassion when they're stuck in the toxic and narrow minded filth of their own jealousy born emotions. They don't see objectivity. They don't have respect, or compassion. Self loathers lash out .. How sad for them..but it's not an excuse to be abusive to others, or for others to accept their abuse. What's even worse than accepting their abuse is (a mistake I've made) engaging in the game of "jelly competition-ing." That lowers you to their level. Toxic and low vibrations. But anyways..


I know who I am and what I stand for. I have a right to be at peace and with self love, and enjoy the rest of my now very painful, and likely to be shortened life (in part thanks to allowing bullying, in various forms, to hurt me so much, over the years.) Would I take being this crippled and ill physically over being that pathetically character-crippled? That's a hard one, but in congruence with the stars and planets, I think so. Moving on. To the nines. For me. 

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