Monday, May 15, 2017

This kind of "cure"

I'm sitting here re-designing my stuff in preparation, and I realize I'm not sure about something (and I should try asking my friends on my personal facebook) a question. This is a positive step in the right direction actually. So then, the appropriate question in which I need to ask pops into my mind: 
Screen Shot 2017-03-20 at 11.35.21 PM
This is a question that I identify and ask, because I am now able to see where it is that I could be writing too pedantically. I'm just not sure of the second part...but I only saw this, a potential step towards improving something for mutual benefit, because I had #humility. This is a virtue .. and it is not to be confused with humiliation. It's about acknowledging something without the shame, and with humble self-security. After all, nobody's perfect. 
Upon further reflection: I realized I was doing good with being succinct until the last part of the question - because- I asked the same question as the previous question twice, but in a different manner than the first. I think I needed to mentally process it on a different string. It's somewhat comparable to algebraic steps. 
Actually wait - it was "distilled." Yes, that's what I did. I distilled it. I spewed it out more complicated at first, and then ran it through a "mill" to sum it up then. This means I could delete the longer stuff, and only keep the sum up for other readers.. because; as if your average person has the patience for the longer way of communication! Not in todays' world especially. People just don't have patience. Though elongating concepts seems to works better in written form, where people can take more time to read it. Can't do that in spoken form as much, or it's called "rambling" (this is why I edit my videos a lot.) Ultimately, maybe it's just better to do this with numbers (like algebra) and not words?
Or maybe, there is no "better" - as long as you can make it work right! Has to be that way, I think, because this is just the way that I think. Lol.
But hey.. at least I asked a question in only 2 steps, and not like 3, 4, or 5... Haha. *Gold Star For Effort* Rose! A little lack of false pride - ie. humility - goes a long way (Y) ;) ..
What I mean by the above is saying this to myself: "Ask the question when you don't know (but of course, try to ask people who are your more trusted friends.) Don't sit there in your toxic trauma imagining yourself as an idiot. This is today and now, and your friends may be able to help you. Even if they can't, they're not going to think of you as an idiot for having a particular disability in which you can't really help. Even IF someone thought of you as an idiot for something you can't help, that really is their problem. Right? Right.
Well.. to even achieve the ability to say that to myself, I have to first acknowledge my shame. Before, it happened quickly, and so did the subsequent reaction to it (to shut down and block out acknowledging the need for help, because you think "I am relatively smart and I should know this - what is wrong with me? Maybe I am just an idiot .. no I'm not! I'll do it  my way and well, whatever! etc)
It is indeed hard being too mentally complex and fluid, particularly with a theory of mind blind spot, and probably a few other specific blind spots too. :/ ..and I'm sure others can relate. However, I am getting better with being succinct on my blogs. I guess being #spoon and thus #fork limited has left me with no choice. So the phenomenon of "getting better" happened, even in the face of health related neuro-inflammation, which is actually impressive. This does kind of support the theory that autism and neuro inflammation are more separate things than the "curebies" (those who believe autism is solely a disease) say.
However, neurologically divergent people (autistic, ADD, highly sensitive - a continuum of etc.) are particularly vulnerable to neurological debility when sick. They're also particularly vulnerable to environmentally and genetically based illnesses, which I think says something about our type of detox system, more than it does about autistic wiring itself being a "disease." Or perhaps, we are more vulnerable in different (though just as debilitating) ways as non autistics are.
Anyways..
I must also point out that my improvement in communication organization, and being able to be more succinct, looks to be an interesting connection between psychology and neurology, because I know maturation is related to this improvement. We have a peculiar way of maturing, being so ahead intellectually, particularly with fluid concepts, but behind in other ways that take a painfully long time to catch up. It's probably because of being ahead in the first ways, at least in part. Trauma, because it happens to us so easily, is another part of this...
So our environments don't help. We are often shamed, and repeatedly, from the time we were very young. This is why the mental process in which I described above happens commonly, hindering our growth, hindering our ability to "get better" in our minds, which indeed thwarts our functioning. Abolishing this barrier is not synonymous with being "cured" of autism whatsoever. This is not what I mean. I am referring to thriving as a neurologically divergent person. Such a thing is rare today, and I hope to do whatever I can to help it become more common. This is why I write now.
People on the autistic spectrum especially are often repeatedly provoked by trying life experiences which can ultimately make or break us. It's a lot of adrenalin to take in, and it produces both bad and good things. Sometimes terrible and/or great things! To note though, if too much trauma happens to heavily and too quickly, there is an inevitable and injurious stunt in this development. If trauma is particularly profound, which it is for a fair number of autistic people in their lives, it's really a make or break situation. I would know. For some, this even amounts to life or death - and a #momentofsilence for those neurodivergents who have fallen in the face of excess strife (I have almost been one of them.) 
For people like us, when under that kind of gun, it's only with some time and with some major #zen that exposure to being severely overwhelmed and shocked can be overcome at all. It may not work for everyone, but #faith helps me. Being as health challenged as I've been the past few years, I have had to hold my #faith. I am pagan and very spiritual, even religious in ways - but faith doesn't need to translate to religion. In 12 step programs they recommend the acronym G.O.D (Good Orderly Direction) for those who are atheist and/or agnostic.
This faith is something which seems essential to hone, when the world is where it's at, and this very much includes tortuous circumstances often well beyond our control. Faith, of some nature, truly enriches a phenomenon, which includes having humility as well as many other things. This phenomenon can help us not only get through alive, but get better. All the way to great. The summit could actually be reached, on the mountain we climbed as we battled uphill so hard. Being risen above in that manner could bring true peace, and thus to be cured, at least of ones' spiritual ills. This is so abstract, so, what does it look like put into action? I can't say now, because what this can look like would hugely vary from individual to individual. So it's a whole other blog. 
Of course you may ask: "Cured?? What is it that you say, Rose??" No, I don't mean get "cured" of being autistic, but cured, or rather "freed" of the barriers which keep us from reaching the best we can be - for who we are. The "disability" phenomenon of autism is based in being differently wired in a world not built for this at all, with health and psychological affects only being secondary. So I mean "cured" of the secondary. For me it starts with things like, being able to ask questions like the one above, openly, without pausing for thought in fear, or having shame attached to it..even if the responses aren't all nice. I can't take on what's not my problem, because I need to understand my own problems enough to get through them. By the way, as long as one doesn't lose sight of their compassion and empathy, and actually aims to use this method of filtering to move through their problem - this is not selfish. It is a necessary tool for survival.
Balance, humility, confidence, and faith are all virtues which help strive for this kind of "cure"- optimal inner peace and thus self improvement, when you are an autistic person in this day and age. 
I think that in spite of it all, I am getting a little better at lassoing my #autisticmind ..and having #humility 

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