Monday, May 15, 2017

The magnets don't work anymore

It's interesting and disturbing that those magnetic bracelets and necklaces which used to help soothe me when I was younger make me feel sick now! So I passed them into my younger son, he's a little zebra, and he's ok for the most part (other than minor complaints) so he finds them helpful. This makes me happy.
I wonder why it is that those things which are supposed to be healing now make me sick. I have a theory but I don't know quite how to verbalize it without lamenting darkly, but I might as well say it because what do I have to lose;
It's something to do with this: "things are so discordant and damaged in your body that the magnets cannot correct it  - the equilibrium is permanently torn up - So the magnets are stuck trying to mend it, in vain, and it sort of "pulls apart" causing further discordance. That is how it feels. It means either I am done for, or I will be done for without the interventions of specific medicine. Or both those things.
I know this because of things I remember from the past. I used to feel bad if I used the pain relief magnets when I was either intoxicated on alcohol or opiate pain meds, which I both needed but then again did have a problem with. Today, in spite of being in more pain than ever before, I do not (and cannot) use any drugs for this (other than low doses of medicinal cannabis, and not smoked, or I'll cough like crazy.)
When I would self medicate I couldn't use the magnets or I'd feel ill. It was my body saying "no, I'm toxic - don't try to mend me when I am toxic! get it out first." My body freaks out when I'm both hurting it and trying to help it at the same time. I have had some scary experiences with this, while trying to have my cake and eat it too, and I sure learned. So I don't do that anymore, this is well in the past, but now the magnets hurt me all the time like this. It is so unnerving ..
Also to comment on the part when I said "when I was younger" .. I seriously felt like an old lady saying that. I really did feel the sensation of 10-5 years ago was 20-30 years ago. Considering what's happened in those 10-5 years it makes sense in the way of a phenomenon which I find disturbing. In the face of feeling like I'm staring down towards a horizon that really is "heavens' gate" for me, if there was one, I have goosebumps.
I feel somewhat irreversibly damaged physically. I was susceptible in the first place. I believe it's mitochondrial .. but when I was a young stupid doe I could never have guessed that I had some form of mitochondrial /cellular disease diathesis, by the name of what they label "EDS." I could have never guessed that common medications in which I sought out, in rebellious desperation to self medicate simpler but aggrivating musculoskeletal pain, in addition to all the trials and tribulations of being an invisibly autistic woman in an inhospitable world, in addition to trauma that kept flashing in my mind when all I wanted was to forget.. but I never imagined doing all I did to run away from it all would injure me that badly.
It isn't normal to be injured that badly by that stuff. Not unless you go on and on for years. Well ok, maybe it is somewhat normal to be injured, but to the extent that I am, I had to have been already prone. I have been injured both badly and in very atypical ways, because my body type is very atypical. In the end though, it doesn't matter, cirrhosis liver or cellularly degenerative metabolic state...they are both life threatening. In fact the first case has a better chance. Get a new liver. Easy solution.
But it is normal to be this damaged, if you have a diathesis for it, and you didn't know, so you tried to measure up to those able bodied in the most dangerous kinds of ways. It could be compared to a teen with Cystic Fibrosis or something, going out and partying. For that teen with CF, it's a dangerous game of borrowing, by means of destroying, #spoons that they will likely never get back. But unlike CF, my somewhat comparable but much more insidious situation dangerously flew under the radar.
It's one thing to find out you were autistic all this time and didn't know, to feel angry about it, and to want to "come into yourself"and express it, and share, and learn etc. To want to speak out, with angst, about the injustices which caused you to seem like you had other "mental illnesses" simply because you were not accommodated or accepted for who you really are.That experience is trying, but at least there's excitement and good in it...
However, finding out that you were, all this time, genuinely more physically fragile due to a genetic illness, and the only reason you stopped listening to your body is because you were gaslit out of doing so. You were told you merely had but a little "fibromyalgia" and yet you were dealing with genuine, more serious fragility which could become a life threatening  illness without precautions taken..and you didn't take those precautions because you were convinced there was no real need. Then, you let them get you angry at your body..for apparently "playing tricks on you" (but those "tricks" were real the whole time.) You let them let you hurt yourself. They poured gasoline onto you, they handed you a box of matches, and you lit the match...
This experience is much more horrifying. The guilt. The grief. The remorse. The desperation to do something to make it all mean something in the end. To find some good in this, as I did with the autism discovery...but this is way harder. This is way more trying. This is way more terrifying..and my true feelings about it are unexplainable.
The magnets don't work anymore.
 - Rosie G 

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