Wednesday, May 17, 2017
I end up using this simplified quirky-edgy-chick colloquialism-esque schtick/script which is, in all honestly, mandatorily dumbed down compared to what I'm actually thinking, because I literally *cannot* say more than a small fraction of what's really in/on my mind. I don't think in words first, or even a conventional thought process for that matter, and there's rarely time/brain-fuel to fully translate. If I have more spoons, and I'm feeling alright, and I'm in a positive, balanced emotional space, all those factors allow me to get more out. But it's not consistent, due to various factors and thus very valid reasons (which would take another blog to describe.)
This has been my lifelong struggle. I want to communicate more than I naturally can, using this language/way of it, anyway. Because of that high interest (special interest) I've honed some precocities in the same areas I have challenges. This, ironically, causes the underlying challenge aspects to be misunderstood and even seen as character pathologies - and this overlaps with CPTSD, which doens't help. So this schtick-script is how I talk when I talk, i mean; it's me. It used to not be me as much, before I was diagnosed I was more of a chameleon, which hindered and stunted my own identity's development, further contributing to psychological issues associated with CPTSD.
Today though, I can safely say that I have come into myself and that the "schtick-script" is Rosie talking, albeit with an accent. Well, the schtick-script *is* the accent, but it's *my* accent .. make sense? All autistic people who talk have their own "accent" in this regard, I think. Ultimately, it's still work to be me in a human language. I'm a fairly fluent E.S.L student, but it's E.S.L all the same.
Written word is another, perhaps slightly better, vehicle - I'm often able to say more because I have more time to think about it and translate, but it too is very energy expending, in a different but equal way to speech. Also, when it comes to speech especially, I don't know if it's really possible to say *all* I see, without it taking a novel to write, for in which there are really not enough forks, and it's iffy as to whether it'd even come out coherently. Perpetual frustrations.
If I intend to budget and prioritize forks, I have to pick my battles and use my odd communication gift/blessing/challenge/curse paradox where I feel it's most helpful, on a limited basis, and that is it. I've gotten a lot better at making blogs more succinct and coherent, so I prefer to focus there, but on the occasion when it's most pertinent. As for videos, I don't think I want to, until after I get my production/artivism/music stuff up and running. I'm still dealing with some PTSD from some of the stuff I want to speak about, which makes the overwhelming thoughts hard to lasso at which time things become too elongated and ramble-y.
A sense of disempowerment, as well as lack of structure, are huge triggers for me (classic example of PTSD and autism overlapping there) so, when I get my stuff more organized and compartmentalized, and I've completed the first couple things on my list, I'll be more able to go back to discussion videos here and there, though it won't be more than 2-3 times a month. Things are always a little easier to do in writing, though I do good videos because my colloquial schtick is well honed.
In spite though, it was always very energy consuming to do the videos, to go through and edit them to make sense. It was always hard to get all I needed out in anything less than ten minutes, and it rarely happened. It truly was a labour of love, generated from passion and my brain lit up in high interest, but I can't do them as much or as often as I used to, unless I martyr myself completely. It's hard! I have to prioritize.