Monday, December 5, 2016

Double divergent under the bus

I am not "manipulative." I am a slightly but ambiguously awkward autistic woman on the "actually *not* mildest" end of the autistic spectrum. I am a, for *lack of a better term* (pls and thx, can't walk on eggshells) "high functioning autistic" woman who *seems* like merely an aspergian, verbally, but is higher up on the spectrum than people even realize..Why do you think I qualify for gov't autism services after extensive psychometric testing? 

Because I'm not a vulnernable little "special" person .. actually - yes I am .. and I'm vulnerable. and I'm getting picked on and it's so bad I could end up losing my life because I don't have a fighting chance, as a rare-atypical-type-Chiari + EDS (a poorly understood but serious illness) sufferer, with autism, in poverty .. what kind of fighting chance do I have? I'm too tired to pretend I'm any smarter than I am. Sometimes I really just don't get things. 

I have precocities but overall I am cannon fodder at the hands of a beaurocracy such as this. I appreciate people who care and who really get me thank god for you and I love you for it, and I'm about to think some of you guys need to write some letters for me or something.. Some people have been SO MEAN and I am tired of it. 

I'm not a witch, I'm a dork trying to "play a game" (it's called "expected social rules that get your needs met" not "be super narcissistic and screw with people" yeah right! As if I would be IN this situation if I KNEW how to play that game) ..and to boot, some of those in the autistic community who are actually milder and all can-have-jobs-and-get-degrees-and-fix-computers-Spocky been uber harshly critical of me via their own lacking-theory-of-mind projections. 

Four words to both mild/phenotypical types and NTs: CUT ME SOME SLACK. I am a highly sensitive HFA woman in a very tough and terrifying situation having to do too much of her own self-advocating while doing it ambiguously awkwardly and thus often getting unfairly judged and sh*tkicked. 

Some people really need to stop being part of the pile-on and realize that you're picking on a sick, weakened and injured mouse as lions, and just look through their fingers and see the actuality of the situation. Or, will the way that I am and can't help but being ultimately get me killed? ... What am I doing wrong ? I don't know and ultimately, even if you told me, I don't know how to make me not be me.. especially when I'm really too sick to have the energy to even try.. 

I have it double rough. Double divergent. Double divergent; Under the bus.

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