Monday, June 27, 2016

Painful picture

*Disclaimer A*

June 24 2015 (*note, a bit personal and heavy)

This is cute n sweet picture. My childrens' faces are sweet, and they are and were shielded from anything other than that sweetness.

But, this picture reminds me of pain, like many pictures do. This was in 2012. I was really sick in that picture, and so am I now, but this was when the illness first started really feeling like it was "attacking" me, which was weird. I suddenly got really sick that summer and turned white with purple around the eyes. I was really weak. I wonder if mitochondria reacts to severe emotional upset. This was following my autism diagnosis.

It was an extremely intense process that went into the past, rehashing it all through the lense of "oh all that awful stuff happened to you, and you did and said all those apparently horribly stupid and wrong things, because you were developmentally disabled and didn't fully understand, not because you were a horrible mis-behaven female teenage brat with nothing but mere borderline personality, but the "borderline" ish features were basically autism and PTSD induced depression/anxiety/confusion met with zero compassionate help and understand, but rather callousness and judgement, instead. More abuse. That's what it felt like.

Then, instead of being treated like a delinquent you should have been registered as needing a support worker through CLBC and home-share program, because you're bona fide disabled enough to qualify for all that" 

This is really personal but I'll just say this bit; I ended up in the hospital the day I was diagnosed, because I just freaked wholly. My body, mind and spirit. My brain couldn't handle all the conflicting feelings and flashing memories of being an unrecognized disabled kid being treated like a criminal, a horrible bad girl and worse than a dog. I was begging services for help while being abused by people and yet not fully aware of it. and instead of the services helping me with those abusive people who were taking me for a harsh ride and some - they further abused me ie. wrote horrible things about me in the files.

All of this contributed to why, when I fell really ill in my mid 20's, I was not met with medical help. They brought out the old records (which were erroneous) and further blacklisted me. I guess this was easier, rather than acknowledging that now, since I am now properly diagnosed with autism (and I fought for that like a court case)- that maybe those old reports are wrong and that they failed me because they didn't understand female autistic traits, even though they were right there in front of them.

They failed at their jobs to identify me as a disabled young woman being abused and messed around with by people, and being lost in terms of social navigation. To boot, I was physically compromised by weakness, pain and many (then more minor, but still challenging) body dysfunctions, because I've always had EDS. It's something one is born with. 

So then they further failed at their jobs re: not admitting that they horribly messed up regarding this young woman here, who could have died in the places she ended up sometimes, but survived anyway. My husband found me in such circumstances at first, so he knows. People who know me well know, and can vouch for me, though I don't need to disclose details for the moment, other than to say that I'm a survivor and not unscathed.

It's not an exaggeration, and maybe one day I'll tell the full story, if I'm around to, but it is physiologically stressful and re-triggering to me right now and my health isn't up for it. In this it's hard to find words for. I don't actually think in words first. Anyways, point is that when I see this picture now, this is what I think of. 

Autism diagnosis. I needed it but it was a very painful process. The realization of it all, in this flash of epiphany kind of made me almost break. I'm glad it didn't that day, but I think it did something to my body, as all that stuff did...and this was before the medical systems' attempt to try and blacklist me from help for my EDS. Yes this did happen, though there has been some degree of "backing off" now that I'm really sick. I have shared about what happened with that too. Yes it is an "unbelievable" story, all of it, my story. However "they" made one big and nasty mistake (if that's what it was): My story is actually real.

-Rosie G. 

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