June 28, 2016
I don't know whether other Neurodivergent folks may experience the following, but here are some of my thoughts/reflections:
My communication styles between the videos and the blogs are a bit different I think. I don't know who may notice, or if they may notice only a little, or subconsciously, but, this may come off as strange to people. It may then contribute to the forming of negative judgements.
I believe that this "communication divergence", and a few other aspects of it, is what may cause my character to be misinterpreted and judged. This has been hurtful, but I can't let it hurt me anymore. I know in my heart that it's essentially born out of a lack of understanding for autistic people and how they may communicate. What can I do? I can share my take on it, based on and including my own experience/s, in order to hopefully clarify. By the way, my take will definitely be more relatable to autistic people who are female, though some males may relate as well. Okay, here it goes...
I'm not the only one who may be prone to character misinterpretation. Such is the case with many who are autistic or neurologically divergent in some other ways (highly sensitive, ADD/ADHD, NLD, general neurodivergence..) This is particularly so if one is hyperlexic, meaning, able to present with very strong language abilities (even if they are quite significantly "further along on the spectrum" for lack of better terms...and btw I think I'm in that category myself... Huge discrepancies.)
Being "Personality Divergent", if I can call it that, really can't be helped when one is neurologically divergent. Again, this is different from "disordered" which is a state that is more dysfunctional, harmful to oneself and others, and is due to lack of mental/spiritual health. Being "Personality Divergent" is ok, and should be granted understanding and acceptance, because it's benevolent - it's not harmful, and is just the way one is, when they are "wired differently."
Some people, especially auties, are just very multi-faceted and complex people, and this is how they socially cope, and also how they coped with several happenings (ie. adjustments) which doesn't necessarily mean they are “sinister" though they are complex ... I'm one of these people for sure.
Also, neurodivergent people will inevitably experience affects of their divergent cognition. So, they will sometimes emotionally and cognitively cope in ways that cannot be helped, ie. shutdowns, meltdowns, stimming, and having different needs and limits.
My blogs are often (though not always) more of a reflective diary-style. They express my deeper, more introspective viewpoints, some of which are kind of personal (to an extent.) I find it easier to express more of my feelings in writing, because I am self conscious about about the reactions I get when people see the differences in the way that I express my emotions in person. Because of my expressive language, my true (key word "true" - not scripted to seem "more normal") emotional expressions seem more childlike and I often lose my ability to have strong language in my speaking, when I am too emotionally overwhelmed. Essentially I can get looked at and and treated like a “crazy person” and even accused of lying or being melodramatic. This has been really hurtful.
Overall I usually guard my innermost feelings. My viewpoints and thoughts are externalized more formally (albeit with a casual and personable feel) and articulated interactively. Though I seem personable, I'm usually less actually personal in my display of my core feelings. This is often so when I'm in person too. I don't like to be seen as vulnerable and plus, when I'm vulnerable. I prefer to withdraw when my communication abilities go way down. That's another thing.
I do have a hard time with this, and some who don't know me very well, and have not yet seen me in an emotional moment, have accused me of things like being "narcissistic" seeming, and not having feelings. This was very hurtful and very untrue. I'm very highly sensitive and empathic internally, but in order to cope with that, I tend to “rule with intellect” and keep my deepest emotions under wraps. It doesn't mean I don't have them. It's actually the total opposite...
An important point about this, last but not least, is that when I'm very stressed and upset I lose my ability to articulate well, if at all. When I'm in “meltdown mode” , due to selective mutism, I am definitely not wanting people to see that. Basically I can verbally shut down when things are maxing out in terms of being too overwhelming.
It's always been hardest for me to find words for feelings, though sometimes when I can, it's in the form of poetry. Overall though, I tend to not present things publicly in this state.This doesn't mean I'm lying and faking about my suffering and hardships though, which is what some people who see me in “high-functioning” (for lack of a better term) and articulate states have jumped to the conclusion of. I'm just censoring what I present to the public, for many reasons. First of all, this is my personal life, second of all, it's hard to adequately express, and lastly; I don't think it's helpful to others, to display it all out there.
Overall, and especially at present time, I try to keep things censored and at least somewhat professional sounding, in terms of what I put out there. This is hard to do when I am often addressing matters close to home, and perhaps I have at times tried and failed... but it can and must be done, I feel. I strive for this, though I am autistic, divergent, and recovering from CPTSD, and these parts can't be entirely helped.